How to be UNDUMPABLE (7 simple strategies)
Do you ever ask yourself, why do I always get dumped? Statistically, after a while, you start to question the laws of probability. Surely one of these relationships will get over the 3 month mark? Why does it always seem to end every time you demand your girlfriend sits down to watch all the Tom Baker episodes of Dr Who with you back to back.
The series I mean, I don't mean literally watching TV with your back against her back, only one of you would be able to see the tele for one thing. I digress.
Gentlemen I've been working on this mandate for the past couple of weeks. I think I've discovered some basic rules to sustaining a relationship, without having the tractor beam eyes of a David Gandy, or the balance sheet of Tony Stark.
Ask her about her injuries
Women will moan about something that’s crook. Tennis Elbow, or an ingrowing toe nail, just don't ask about anything with regards to menstruation, that's just not our wheelhouse. It shoes that not only do you care, but you listen. Well sometimes at least.
No EX talk
You need to be like a nurse shark, always moving forward. Never compare her to your EX even if it puts her in a positive light, because in doing so you're trash talking someone else who is not around to defend themselves. Perhaps that's because she's in jail, but that's not the point.
You need to be focused on the present. And looking forward, it's very attractive.
Have a project
I've always found men are better to be around when they have a project. Or something to get their teeth into. Now don't let that project be digging up the garden to install an underground man cave. For a start, the tool shed should be the man cave. Where things get built, get fixed, get done. A man cave is really just code for a secluded bunker to drink beer.
Restore an old car, write a book, grow a vegetable patch, something good and wholesome that she would be proud to tell the neighbours.
No drinking in bed or before 5pm on Weekdays
Just a little rule I like to stick to. Bringing the beer to bed is an early indicator that you have your feet under the table, or at least you think you do. She's really thinking, 'it's going downhill real fast. Maybe I could suggest he moves into the man cave to be closer to the beer fridge.'
Similarly if you're both working from home, don't crack the beer before 5pm. You should respect office hours, even if you are your own boss. It keeps things on the straight and narrow.
Don't check the bill for longer than 5 seconds
Yes I know the price of everything is going up, yes I know the waiter doesn't deserve the tip, but please guys, when eating out in a restaurant, don't over-audit the cheque when it comes to the table. There is nothing that turns a woman off more than breaking down the price of every dish and every glass of wine. Just say this to the waiter after a cursory glance at the bill, 'everything was lovely, thank you.' Then turn to your partner and ask, 'did you have enough to eat?'
Keep the receipt and go back and bollock the waiter the next day if they over charged you for the broccoli. If need be.
In shape but never ask her opinion
Love makes you fat is not a mantra to live by or be proud of. When you're in a relationship, it's disrespectful to get over weight unless you've had a debilitating foot injury that stopped you from doing cardio for 3 years.
Hopefully you're in a relationship where you both enjoy being healthy and staying in shape. But don't ask her opinion on whether your biceps are getting bigger. That's not a good look, in fact, it undoes all the hard work you put into those beauties. You know they look good, and you know she knows. And that's all that matters.
Always warn her you're coming home
I've always liked this one. But some relationships break up, because you catch them cheating, or vice versa. Firstly, don't be a d**k and cheat. You're not smart enough to get away with it. But if you're on your way home text ahead. If she is cheating, she'll have plenty of time to kick the a**hole out and clean up. What you don't know doesn't hurt you. What you do know, might get you dumped!!
Founder of this eponymous blog, focusing on men's fashion & lifestyle.
