Knowing Why You Do the Things You Do (Emotional Intelligence 3)

Continuing on my series of Emotional Intelligence, I wanted to pick up on a point from a previous post asking why do we do the things we do. And how (if how) this can help us improve our Emotional Intelligence.

An article I discovered on the ZME Science suggests:

[...] there are four broad categories for the motivations that drive human behavior: prominence, inclusiveness, negativity prevention, and tradition.

• Prominence: Power

• Inclusiveness: To be part  of a community or society

• Negative Prevention: To avoid conflict.

• Tradition: The comfort of doing something familiar.

There is also a great podcast by motivational speaker and life coach Tony Robbins who says:

There is one need that is the most common answer to why we do what we do: certainty. We all need to feel certain that we can avoid pain and that, ideally, we can have comfort. The  need for certainty is a survival need. People are driven by more than one thing. And often that thing is certainty.

Tradition and Certainty

This has gotten me thinking, how much we crave certainty and knowing that everything will be ok. Our Emotional Intelligence can be elevated in having inner confidence. It's one of the building blocks to our psyche and not worrying about a lack of inner confidence, 'oh what if my wedding speech lands flat' or 'what if I'm not good enough for her' for example. To quote another article, Team Improvus;

Confidence in ourselves empowers us to focus on others. We need to listen, be present and attentive in order to connect. Emotional intelligence helps me grow my personal confidence. It gives me a clear picture of myself; illuminating my strengths, as well as highlighting the ways I can improve, which provides me with a foundation of self-knowledge and confidence.

Back to the meaning

Find the meaning behind achieving your goal, and allow that to help you get on target when things get rough. Arnold Schwarzenneger is one of the best advocates of setting goals. He built an entire career around focus and determining whether his actions are bringing him closer or further towards his goals as an actor, a politician, a Bodybuilder.

The goals can stay in focus if you pick beneath the surface a little bit. Why is this goal important to you? We've spoken about these things before on the blog, why are you running 5km or going to the gym? Why don't we all just get horizontal and eat junk?

Good practices

It's interesting to dig a little deeper sometimes. It's not just finding your why with fitness, (although it's always wanting to look good naked right?) it's your why with everything. Being reminded of the reasoning why you are doing the things you do, will help you create a better understanding of yourself. Having Emotional Intelligence means you have a better control over your emotions, and they have less of a grip on your true self. How often have we seen people get angry and lose their temper, get too emotional? It could be anything from confronting a parking attendant, to being abusive to the barman for refusing you last orders. Somehow we become unhinged because we have lost control.

And then we're all apologies the next day because we have regained our focus, and appreciated that we have overreacted. But surely knowing why we react, and what is motivating us to have spikes of passionate emotional responses, will allow us to harness them better. I would personally rather have better control of my emotions rather them have dominion over me. To do I have devised a mini strategy.

Write a do list

Yes we all have to-do lists, but I'm now starting to write down under each one a small line or two as to WHY I need to do this. Obviously I won't be writing my reasoning for everything. But why am I going to boxing class, why am I starting this project (whatever project you may be thinking about or starting), why am I learning a new language. Is it for prominence, inclusion, negative prevention, or tradition. Are those reasons sustainable?

Why do I act the way I do?

I want to be a better father. By upgrading my emotional intelligence I want my boy Jasper to foster whatever good characteristics I have. He undoubtedly will pick up some of my negative ones too, but right now I'm focusing all my efforts and my value system on creating a better environment for my boy to grow up in.