A four drive from Vienna International airport, The Viva Mayr Clinic is tucked away on the lip of the Marie Worth Am See. No international flights, (unsure where Naomi Campbell caught her private jet from, she was at the same clinic weeks before us.

On arrival the concierge took our keys, parked the car, and had our bags waiting for us in the room before we got there. I still don't know how he did that. He must have had a twin and it's probably part of a greater rouse. Anyway. There are rooms that don't back onto the lake, I presume they go for less, but I never asked. The lake is clear and fresh to swim in. We're in Austria, my girlfriend Anastasia is Russian, a veteran of spas and international custom and not inhibited by British prudishness. I am however, so never got naked once outside of the bedroom. You're welcome Austria.

What do they do here? Detox, I get it. No coffee, no chocolate, no alcohol; am I going to have to fasten coconuts to a life raft and paddle to God knows where?

'The headaches are bad' Anastasia forewarned me. The coffee-cold turkey induced migraines were brutal on day one. I can't remember the last time I didn't have caffeine in my system at any point in the past 20 years. Maybe once when .... nope. Twenty years straight I'm sure of it. But after day one, they simmered down. Although for Anastasia they carried on through the whole week.

So what did we eat? The food might be scarce but what there is of it, was delicious. Once you get over the fact you can eat Alkaline Broccoli Soup for breakfast, then you'll be ok. In fact, it's not the coffee you'll miss. It's the snacks. How often in your life have you been so disciplined that for an entire week you've never snacked between meals? It heightens your anticipation and deep appreciation for food, like you've never known. With the last meal at 6pm, and then breakfast at 7am, you're effectively fasting for 11 hours of the day.

There is a sign on the table saying no phones, tablets or iPads. Ultimately, I caved to herd mentality on day 3. No one else was following those rules so why should I?

For the most part I was consulting daily with Dr Fink. Dr Fink, cycles to work every day and back, an hour and a half round trip. She gets in the lake every morning no matter the weather. 'I don't swim it,' she informs me. 'Just a couple of strokes out and then back, that's all I need'. I heard one of the chef's in the clinic rows to work every day, from the other side of the lake. It's that kind of lifestyle here.

Dr Fink grabs my cheeks beneath my eyes, and looks right through me. I can't remember her exact words, but she didn't give my appearance the most glowing appraisal. It was something along the lines of 'what went wrong? You're a wreck!'

I proceeded to lay flat on my back on the fold out thingy. She massaged my stomach in circles for 20 minutes. 'I can't tell if this is gas or muscle' she said pinching my abdomen. I clenched everything together and told myself, 'don't you dare squeeze cheese in here'.

'It's muscle,' I clarified.

She instructed me to stick out my tongue. I did so. She grabbed my leg, brought my knee to my chest and told me to kick out whilst she pushed my ankle back. This was done several times, each time she'd put tap a different powder on my tongue. If I kicked out softer, once a powder had been applied, then she'd know what my intolerances were. Figured out I'm not too good with gluten, (how cliché am I?) nor soya milk ironically. All these years I've been drinking soya milk because Anastasia has a dairy intolerance. It's not lactose, something else. Anyway, soya is off the table.

Dr Fink held my blood results in her hand, and rushed through it with a sharp pencil. Ticking pages and pages, saying good good good. After a few minutes I was told I'm in the best condition she's ever seen. Again I'm paraphrasing. Maybe she meant currently seen. Although I should add, and with no disrespect, the majority of the other guests were mainly composed of the cast of Cocoon before they got in the healing pool. (Timely reference thank you).

'Can I get a yellow vest?' I asked Dr Fink.

'Excuse me?' She said confused.

'You know like the cycling guys, the Tour De France winners. The number one guy gets a yellow jersey to let the onlookers know he's the one to beat. I think your clinic should employ such incentives. Let them know who's top of the leader board.'

'I like that idea.' She humoured me. I like Dr Fink, she has a sense of humour, and she lives and breathes this place. There's no up-selling either. For example on the first consultation you'll be asked what your goals are.

'I want to look good naked'. I blurted. Great line from American Beauty.

'So you'll need a personal trainer.' She replied. 'You'll need a nutritionist. You'll need a couple of massages. Badda bing badda boom'. (Again I'm not quoting Dr Fink verbatim. Although I did detect a slight Boston accent.

However, on day 3, she cancelled half of my cryo freezing appointments (believe me one is enough) and called off the colonic irrigation. Thank God. I was not looking forward to that. Anastasia was livid however. She had a traumatic time with her irrigation appointment and just in case you're reading this eating your lunch, I'll spare you the match report on that one.

'But you're full of gas'. Anastasia yelled at me in the hotel room after. It was true. I fart like a champion on cue and I'll admit, maybe I've gotten a bit too comfortable in the relationship if you catch my drift. I fart with impunity in the flat and sometimes it’s so bad, even the dog leaves the room.

'I'm following Doctor's orders cockle'. I protest smugly.

There's nothing you can do when you lay that ace down in an argument. Especially when it was Anastasia who brought me her and told me to see Dr Fink.

So the clinic is not a holiday. It's relaxing, sure. There is plenty of water to be drunk. The gym is outside overlooking the lake in such a way that it looks like it has an infinity pool. I can't tell you what the local restaurants or bars are like because we didn't go in them. We played by the book this week.

We did get in the car and drive to Klagenfurt. A nearby town, 30 minutes’ drive. I hate to admit this, but I spent a fortune on clothes. I got five pairs of trousers, wait six in total. But in my defence I had sold all my jeans just before COVID and then the shops shut. I've been wearing one pair of jeans for 18 months and it's depressing. I have to recommend the shop, Bon O Bon. (Not in any way sponsored). When you're there, they will also hem your jeans with the original cuff for free. Make sure you ask for that.

Lastly, we hiked to Pyramidenkogel Tower. You can see it on the brow of the forest overlooking the lake when you're on the jetty. Still we hiked two hours the long way round. (There are buses, but Anastasia considered that cheating). The Pyramidenkogel observation tower is situated at the top of the 850-meters high Pyramidenkogel mountain.

It's breath-taking. You can also take a slide all the way down. Grownups are always looking for better ways to be kids again right? Whether it's descending Europe's longest covered slide or simply reminding yourself what life was like before you got hooked on caffeine.

For more information visit the website https://www.viva mayr.com/

This was not a press trip, nor do the staff of Viva Mayr knew I was going to write this article.