Tough Love - Why we could all do with a slice

Sometimes rejection can be harder to give than receive. 
Why do we instinctively shy away from criticism?
How do you shoot someone down that is super-sensitive?
Sometimes we all need a bit of tough love, the key is to digest that into something positive.

In today’s article I want to address the subject of rejection and criticism and why it pays dividends to be a willing recipient. In turn, I’m going to be asking you to internalise – to think, do I take rejection well? When was the last time someone said no to me or my ideas and what did I learn from that exchange?

One of my favourite lines from the movie Jerry Maguire was when Avery told Jerry 'What was our deal when we first got together? Brutal truth. Remember?' To which Jerry quipped 'I think you added the "brutal."'

It's probably a scene that a lot of people can relate to because of the dichotomy that a situation like this can present. Do you offer someone compassion and support at a time when they have failed you so emphatically, or do you deliver some tough love; giving them a wakeup call so they learn by their mistakes. To quote a well-known aphorism from English philosopher.

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

— George Santayana

Firstly, let’s take a look at some of the key issues of why it's so hard to deliver bad news.

Why is it so hard to deliver tough love? 

1) The person might not be open to criticism and is naturally defensive.
2) They might not respect you enough to think you're in a position to criticise.
3) You're not good at taking criticism or rejection yourself, so any tough love coming from you will be hypocritical.
4) You're not the voice of authority and no one sees you as being tough.

All really good rebuttals, so let’s breaks each of these down.

How to deliver Tough Love to someone

If the subject is new to criticism or is blissfully unaware that something they're doing is out of place or inappropriate, whether that's in the workplace or in the gym, then delivering some tough love or calling them out on their behaviour is going to be a brave act.

The point of giving tough love is not to humiliate or discourage that person from their pursuits, but to correct them and allow them to re-channel their energy into places that is more aligned with the characteristics of their personality.

How do I not humiliate them? 

You have to take them aside and deliver tough love. Giving them tough love in front of a gathering, hoping that the gathering will compound your theory and support you, will make the subject feel like they're being attacked. Even if you're delivering tough love with articulate precision, based on irrefutable proof, and even if others are thanking you for addressing the potential elephant in the room, the subject will not thank you for undermining him/her in a public. I'd avoid this approach initially if your intentions are honourable. It has a higher risk bracket for backfiring and could look like you've been conspiring or manifesting a mutiny behind closed doors.

Serve The Crap Sandwich

We've all heard of the crap sandwich, delivering different layers of news, subtly garnishing and book-ending the bad between the good. It's the common format for nearly every job rejection letter which will follow this sort of template.

GOOD NEWS

Your application was well considered and we could see potential in the value you'd offer the company. You presented yourself and your case for candidacy fantastically throughout every stage of the interview and it was a pleasure hearing about the path your career has taken you down so far.

BAD NEWS

Unfortunately, competition for the vacancy was fierce and we have decided not to proceed with your application for the job of (Fill in the Blank) as we have found someone who we believe is more in line with our company's objectives.

GOOD NEWS

Whilst this might come as a disappointment to you, you should in no way be dispirited with the way you conducted yourself throughout the application process and we're confident that an opportunity will present itself for you soon. We will keep your application on file should a vacancy come available that we believe will be more befitting your credentials.

Who is good at delivering tough love? 

If you're an avid watcher of the TV reality show, X Factor, then you'll be familiar to Simon Cowell's method of delivering tough love. He simply calls it as he sees it, which is undeniably bullish and can often break someone’s heart, but best to tell them now and deliver this tough love rather than them invest any more time or money and find themselves in the same boat 5-10 years down the line. Clearly he has an easier gig because he is not emotionally attached to the person whose dreams he could be shattering. But let’s use this as a case study.

The hypothetical

Imagine a similar situation that requires you to talk to your friend who is hoping to become a professional singer, but they're just plain awful and magically everybody can hear it but them. How do you deliver the news that will shatter their dream?

FIRST LAYER POSITIVE – 

Isolate them from the crowd like we spoke about above. Start with something positive that will soften a defense and defuse a confrontation like 'Hey Charlie, I want to tell you something because I like and respect you and I love the energy that you bring to your music.'

SECOND LAYER CRAP – 

Now you've caressed Charlie's ego and softened his defense, it's time to deliver some tough love. 'I'm not sure singing is a good fit for you. You're a big ball of talent but you'll be pushing this rock up a hill that has no summit. I want to tell you this because you're my friend and I know you value your own time above anything else.'

Notice I didn't add the 'we all think' to this speech. In order to deliver some tough love, you have to show some toughness and be willing to stand alone and deliver your opinions, without intimating that you have a following of people that are willing to back you up.

FINAL LAYER POSITIVE – 

Now that you've given Charlie a hit to the solar plexus, you'll want to nurse those wounds a little and give him some optionality. The worst thing about tough love is that you could be ending someone’s dream, leaving them rudderless and with nowhere to turn. Now it's time to deliver the final layer and send them off with a high. Compliment them on another skill or talent that would be a worthy investment of their time and if possible, try and give them a lead. 'You know if singing isn't the thing for you why not put your other creative skills to use, I heard (fill in the blank) is looking for a choreographer over at...'

You can apply the Crap Sandwich methodology to anything. If you're having to fire somebody or break off a relationship, this delivery can be very effective.